I have always been fascinated with the subject of happiness and why it was that some people were obviously happier, richer and more fulfilled than others. Why it was that some people were more successful than others from the same family and tribe. When I was growing up I was amazed by the disparities of wealth, influence and fame which certain people displayed. Even at a young age something deep inside me said that there must be reasons for this apparent inequality and so decided when I grow up, I will find out what they were that made these set of people stand out and rule their world. “You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue”. Are you determined to change the course of your life?
Everywhere people are trying their best to find happiness and to feel good about themselves. They search for that one relationship that will fulfill their every need. They hunt for that perfect job that will bring them satisfaction and financial rewards. Many strive to live in the right neighborhood, own the right car, shop at the right stores, socialize with the right people, and attend the right schools and functions so that they will fit in, be accepted and feel gratified.
They pour through self-help books and attend dozens of personal growth seminars and workshops looking for that one secret key that will magically give their lives more meaning, fulfillment and success. They constantly search for answers, yet never really find an answer that puts everything into perspective and gives them the knowledge they seek to finally stop searching and start living the life of their dreams. They struggle to make their lives perfect in the hope that it will give them the joy, happiness, satisfaction and love that they so desperately seek, but for all their efforts they mostly get uncertainty, disappointment, hurt and frustration.
Sure, they have moments of clarity and happiness, moments of feeling good about themselves and their lives, but those moments are not frequent enough and are often difficult to sustain and nearly impossible to deliberately create. So what is the answer? Stop looking outside of yourself for the answers and solutions. Dozens of teachers throughout the ages have given that as the answer, and it certainly is THE answer to finally living the life of one’s dreams, but rarely can anyone figure out exactly what that means, and those who understand it have trouble consistently applying it.
Why is that? Well, from my own personal experience, I can see that it’s not a simple thing to do and it takes much more than just wishing it so. In addition to needing a strong desire to want to come to understand how one gets the circumstances of their life and how to consciously and deliberately create all that one desires, one must come to understand a good many things about who they are and how life works. Here are some of the things that one must embody before one can overcome life’s challenges and accomplish almost anything in life:
1. Be Completely Honest with Yourself.
Self-honesty is about taking full responsibility for ALL circumstances of your life. It means owning up to the fact that you are solely responsible for your life and that ultimately you are the only one who can change your life. When you are being totally self-honest, then you: Stop blaming others for your circumstances and start taking full responsibility for being the only one responsible for the circumstances of your life. Stop trying to defend why your life is the way it is and start thinking about how you would like your life to be. Stop making excuses and justifying your actions and start taking the time to find out why you are taking the actions that you are taking. Stop pretending to be who you are not and start being honest about who you really are. Stop lying to yourself and start telling yourself the truth about who you are being and about why you are being that. Self-honesty is the first and most important part of being all that you can be, for if you can’t be honest with yourself, then you can’t get to the truth of why you are not living the life of your dreams.
2. Mind Your Own Business.
What others do is none of your concern or business. You have your life to live; they have their life to live. You are accountable only to God and yourself just as they are accountable only to themselves. It’s not your responsibility or job to tell them what to do, to tell them how to do it or to judge them or criticize them for doing something for which you do not approve. When you are minding your own business, then you: Stop meddling in other people’s business and start intervening in your own affairs. Stop telling others what they should or shouldn’t do and start letting them make their own choices. Stop pushing against what others are doing and start paying attention to what you are doing and the outcome of those actions. Stop thinking it’s your job to make other people’s decisions for them and start paying attention to the results of the decisions that you are making. Stop gossiping about other people and start spending more time coming to know who they really are. Stop criticizing and judging what others are doing and start being more loving and accepting of others. Stop holding a grudge about something someone else has done and start being more forgiving and understanding. Stop laying a guilt trip on others because of their actions and start paying attention to the impact of your own actions. Stop interfering in other people’s lives and start paying more attention to your own life. When you stop minding others business, then you will have more time to focus on your own life, which is necessary if you really want a better life.
3. Ignore Others Who Are Minding Your Business.
This is the other side of number two above. When other people are sticking their noses into your business, telling you what to do, pressuring you into taking their advice or into making the decision that they want you to make, ignore them. Lots of people will think that they know what is best for you, but only you can know what is best for you. Many well-meaning people will try to influence your actions, but remember that what they are telling you is the way they would do it, and since they are not privy to what’s in your heart, they can never know whether that is what’s best for you. When you are ignoring others, then you: Stop thinking that others know what’s best for you and start remembering that you know what’s best for yourself. Stop letting people tell you what to do and start deciding for yourself what you want to do. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated by others and start making your own choices. Stop acting like a victim and start acting like a deliberate creator. Learn to pay attention to how you are feeling while listening to others and learn to be a selective listener, picking and choosing whose advice feels right for you and discarding the rest. Learn how to know which friends to confide in and how to pick friends who will allow you the freedom to be yourself and to have your own experiences.
4. Begin to understand how to manage your life.
It takes a great deal of effort to try to maintain control of your thoughts, your feelings, your life, your circumstances, other people, your environment, etc., and guess what? You’ll never succeed in controlling it all. Oh sure, you may succeed in controlling a few things temporarily, but the harder you try to maintain that control the more difficult it becomes and the more stress you experience. Life and people were never meant to be controlled but rather to be lived, experienced and enjoyed within their natural rhythm and flow. When you have released the need to control, then you: Stop thinking that there is only one right answer for each question and start realizing that each question could have thousands of right answers. Stop trying to impose your values, morals, rules and beliefs on others and start letting them make their own decisions about what works best for them. Stop needing to always be right and start realizing that there is no right or wrong, only different. Stop needing to control other people’s behavior and start allowing them to be whoever they want to be. Stop thinking it’s your job to save or fix others and start treating others as though they were already perfect. Stop trying to control all the details of your life and start allowing the details to unfold naturally. Stop needing specific conditions to be met before you can feel good or be happy and start being grateful to God for all that you already have. Stop trying to control all that is outside of you and start accepting life for what it is. Stop resisting change and start realizing that change is a natural and inevitable aspect of life. When you stop trying to control the uncontrollable, then you release your potential to succeed in everything in life.
5. Recognize Your Uniqueness.
You are created by God to be a unique being, gifted with free will and incredible talents, abilities and it’s time that you recognized and acknowledged the fullness of that. When you accept all that you are, then you: Stop comparing yourself to others and start noticing your own accomplishments. Stop noticing your flaws and start becoming aware of your gifts. Stop doubting your abilities and knowing and start having faith in your abilities and trusting your knowledge. Stop thinking others are better than you and start acknowledging your greatness. Stop needing to prove to others that you have value and start thinking about ways to express your usefulness. Stop needing others to validate your worth as a human being and start noticing evidence of your worthiness. Stop thinking like a victim and start thinking like a winner. It’s impossible to uplift another when you are down on yourself or not seeing your own uniqueness. You are valuable, you are somebody, you are unique and special and you have incredible talents just waiting to be expressed. You were made in God’s image and that means that you can do all things by God’s grace. Nothing is more important than that you feel good about yourself and your life, and when you can bask in the deliciousness of who you are, then you radiate a shining light of joy and love to all who experience your presence. (Concluding part next week)
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John F Fowler MCIM, is an International marketing and business consultant, Motivational/Empowerment speaker and Author. He is currently the founder and president of Trinity Empowerment Center a nongovernmental organization with a vision to empower youths in starting and sustaining small businesses in developing countries. For comments or questions send email to [email protected], or [email protected]
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